rain

baby crying at her side…one on the way

aged beyond her years hunched

as if the weight of the world is on her 

with the first drop of rain….comes the first tear

she is alone now…lost and confused

never been there before…doesn’t know what to do

shaking uncontrollably…baby screaming 

putting her hands to her face 

the rain pours as if were tears…her tears

the baby settles in a seat

she steps out into the rain…drops to her knees

searching…hoping for answers

winter ended

Bitter winter

While winter may have pasted

The bitterness remains

Cold and blue I’m stuck in here again

Alone no one to help me

I’m standing in the cold

Looking for a way out

As always there isnt one

I feel so desperate in need of help

All these pills and nothing provides relief

I’m overcome with anxiety guilt grief and confusion

Lost in my own vortex of mass chaos

Need to find a way out of myself

Shaking heart pounding

Covered in cold sweat

Darkness surrounds light scarce

Staring off into space

Mind racing out of control

Always sucking me in

Can’t pull my head out of the fog

Standing right above the edge of hell

Fire bellow just waiting for my fall 

angry sex

angry sex

i find you in the dark….words are not needed

physical release i crave with every flick of my tongue 

i feel you growing your inner animal emerging

my back push against the wall dripping with anticipation 

you enter every thrust deeper and harder than the last

providing my body with pleasure and pain i’m begging for it

you take me faster and i cry out in raw dirty pleasure

your manhood pushing….deep hard leading me teasing

use our bodies to exploit the angry physical release desired 

so close dripping you push hard against the wall losing control

i take you in deep and cum on your shaft buried deep in me

and moan as i have i received the angry sexual release  needed  

filled with your cum we walk way with not a word spoken….just  used for 

moments of fucking angry and raw… when i need you need it again

i’ll find you waiting…. to drive your manhood deep to my raw passion

cruel Possession

maybe you forgot who i am or never really knew
you thought after i left you anything you said or did would get to me
sorry pal when you crossed that line my mind was made and i stopped caring
you put your hands on me out of anger you would never do that again
i lived with your angry moods and yelling for nearly 20 years enough
i took the internal and mental bruises anger was your tool that day hands weapons
truth be told i wanted out and just gave me one as they took you off in cuffs 
i was so ready for goodbye you calling apologies and tears flowing 
your hands didn't break me your apologies and tears didn't bend me
you were in a cell for 20 days i lived in one for years your weak wife 
broke free by your strong hands i had my chance to end my time
it was easy to let go with all i gave and took trying to keep you happy
from the start i was the fool manipulated lied to cheated on was the norm
i was young stupid and broken when you found me and rebuild me to meet your needs
as years passed i was numb and trapped felt it better for the kids us together 
your angry games turning cruel using my illness to control me knowing just how to turn against me
breaking me you did it so subtly and i believed it was my doing you were the support
i was causing the pain and picked up a razor these scars many carry your name
i gave up tried suicide almost dead words spoke remember you did this to me then blackness
woke in another psych unit years of full of this you pushed when needed pulled back timing perfect
then you turn treatment against me threatened to leave me i was getting better and you scared 
i guess you believed my illness kept me there cruel and coldly turned my kids into weapons
knowing i couldn't live without them spoke of taking them and leaving they didn't want me
i was on my knees again watched you build a wall between us you stole so much time
that was meant for my children i'm making up lost minutes everyday with you gone 
there's laughing hugs and strength we are all happier now you lost it and gave me my chance 
ok now lets see how you will spin this yup i live with mental illness and it's problems 
since you've been gone i have improved remarkably getting treatment learning to deal 
and finding i strong enough to live 
i thought i couldn't live without you...i just couldn't live WITH you

thankfully christine  
   

One more time...please

Lost and alone in this city of darkness

Empty of love and full of lies

You build a wall between

Your dreams and the madness

I reached out my hand

But you run and hide

I watched you cry in the rain

I want to bring back the joy again

Open your heart to mine

I believe…I believe this time you won’t be sorry

Not this time baby open your heart tonight

I believe you might be lucky this time

No guarantees when you risk your emotions

So you surrendered and it all went astray

Bitter and hopeless in your cold  isolation

But my love won’t ever fade away

I want to dry all your tears

You know there’s nothing to fear

When the shadows start to fall

Let my love break down the walls

The Crazy Girl

This crazy girl with the crazy brain

Walks among you all

 Surely past right by her

And you’d never know

The crazy thought she just had

When she saw you

Ohhh yeah she saw you

There isnt a thing she misses

With her eyes closed…

She sees more than you

All the face’s the eyes the cars driving by

What color model and license plate #

You didn’t think she’d miss that

Did you…really

She’ll look in your eyes listen to you speak

While her brain dances wildly

So many thoughts death, food, there goes a bird,

 Sex, murder, who’s watching, mmm food again,

I know you can hear me thinking, what if i just-

(enter any word here), what's going on now, 

All way to counting the seconds passing…

This all goes on in her head

While she blinks smiles sweetly and

Nods her crazy head at you

Looking no different than anyone else in a room

In her crazy brain she nothing like you

Her sense’s always tingling

Body always in a state of unrest

Brain always racing obsessing

Thoughts so intrusive and rude

She thinks it’s funny sometimes

That you will never know

The mildest of her thoughts would

Make the average person blush, flinch, sick,

Concerned, confused, all of the above

But you’ll never know what

Craziness goes on in her brain

Cause this crazy girl with the crazy brain

Could be looking right at you…

And you’ll never know

i will fight for it

I will fight for it

This war is not over

For me it’s just beginning

I’ve been taking shelter

Hiding in the fox hole

Taking blow after blow

Watching those around me fall

Too scared to enter the fight

But now I’m front and center

Standing in the front line

Ready to face the opposition

Gear in hand-I walk to the center of the battle field

I’ve taken so many hits and given a few

It’s going to be bad the casualties will be many

Lifeless bodies stretch across the field

But it’s not in vain

I’ve come to see this is a battle worth fighting

A war of necessity

After the bloodshed and smoke clears

I’ll be standing bullet ridden bloody standing in the center of the field

Looking at all the loss

Knowing I’m far from innocent in this

But realize this has been raging around me-my life

It would never end

Not until I entered the fight

Bloody and sweaty walking passed the fallen

Off the battle field looking at the freedom ahead

Realizing something’s really are worth fighting for

what i'll keep

Never forget

Though were not together anymore

I’ll never forget what you gave me

Our four beautiful children

That you could always make me laugh

How you’d get me to crack a smile

The silly games we played

The crazy nick names we had

The way you looked at me when you use to sing to me

The songs you sang to me and how you meant it

That you could make me feel special

Watching you play with our children

Going on day trips as a family

Reminding me some fun is good

These things I’ll remember

To be kept with me always

Fragile

Living in the shadows no longer

Why hold onto a broken past

When there is a whole future waiting

You’ll always be a part of my past

I’ll forget the bad times-forgive takes a little longer

I’ll hold onto the good keep it in my memories

I hope you find your way

I believe we are both better like this

Life doesn’t have to hurt anymore

Time to make our own destinies

Fate was fragile our time together-broken

A new fate/future waits…

Still

I’ll still laugh at some of the silly things you did

I’ll still smile at some of our craziness  

I’ll still cry at some of our bad times

I’ll still get angry at some of our mistakes

I’ll still cherish some of the moments we shared

I’ll still think of the way you could make me feel special

I’ll still miss you a little bit…

the day she died a young woman's end

 A young woman’s end

The screech of tires of filled the air as the came up the street

Her friends yelling something’s wrong….her “friends” who she spent

All night doing drugs with and now there was something wrong with her

I ran to her house walked in the door

It is a sight that will forever be burned in my brain

There she was lying on the floor blue….

With saliva bubbling out of her mouth her two babies one 2-1/2 the other only a year

In nothing but sagging dirty diapers crawling on their dying mother

For a moment the world stood still she so young in her twenties

And her lifeless body was there so still

Our kids were about the same age I couldn’t believe what I was seeing

I grabbed her babies brought them to my house changed and dressed them

At my house were my own children a 9, 7, 5, and 3 yrs. old

My daughter helped me make them something to eat

While next door my husband and her “friends” were on the phone with 911 operators

Those babies are losing their mother I kept thinking as they ate

This wasn’t the first time she partied all night this was a frequent occurrence

But now three kids were going to motherless because of it-she also had an 11 yr. old

I was thankful he wasn’t home at the time he would never get over seeing his mother laying there lifeless and blue I know I’ll never forget it

Her 2 yr. old was crying mama mama my heart broke for him…

I got some toys together and my kids started playing with her kids this helped calm them down

I shut the curtains when the ambulance pulled up

None of the kids needed to see her being taken out of the house

When they wheeled her out of the house my kids peeked out the curtain

This was a woman who was always sweet to them our kids played together

And now she was leaving this world

Soon after her family picked up her kids

This day sticks with me I sat my kids down and we talked about drug use and what it can lead to

Shortly after she got the hosp she died

She had a long history of drug use her heart was damaged

She didn’t want to be on drugs we talked once about how she wanted to go back to school

She had dreams that would now never be found

All because of a needle in her arm….

I hope she is a peace now 

alone

Alone

There’s no one but me I see all the faces

Yet I remain invisible…

Alone

In my own world

Where death’s shadow walks behind

Reaching for my cold and broken soul….

Alone

With no one to see me

No one to hear my cries

They fall on deaf ears…

Alone

Where no one sees’s the pain

That fills my eyes

Deep into my heart

Tearing me apart driving me mad….

Alone

The voices my only friends

The thoughts the darkness

Keeps me locked in here

Bloody and screaming inside…

Alone

All this in an empty shell

So many masks I wear

Can’t ever let them see how bad it really is

So I remain trapped within myself forever….

Alone 

what they'll never know

They never know

They ask how you’re doing

I’m fine you say but inside

Your screaming I’m not ok I’m not fine

They see you smile

And don’t bother to look deeper

They hear you laugh

Never hearing the cries in between

They reach out to hug you

Missing that cold feeling you have

They tell you they love you…

But they will never really know you

sometime it's just too much

Too long

Fearful desperate held down for too long

I don’t think we were truly meant to be

We held on for so long out of fear

Just a desperate girl and stupid boy foolishly in “love”

We closed ourselves in tethered together

Not knowing where one ends and the other began

Forgetting who you are unable to think…move freely

Couldn’t move without hurting the other

So you learn to take the pain

Fall instep learn to move together

Bound by deep seeded issues fears insecurities

After all no one wants to be alone truly

Why do we accept the pain so easily

As humans we adapt to our environment

To souls bound hopelessly together

Coexisting cohabitating moving blindly ahead simply existing

Not knowing or really caring where you’re going

Having no expectations of change

You just drag your lifeless body ahead

Not caring what hell lay ahead

Ignoring the immense pain the searing heat burning pain

Getting closer to that bottomless pit of fire

Fighting to stay together at the same time

Struggling to separate…

 It continues

both of you feeling like

You’re getting the short end of the stick

It’s you who bends always giving in

While the other just keeps kicking you while your down

It’s always you who’s suffering-unloved

Unappreciated-whose feelings are disregarded,

You’re the only one trying to change

To meet the needs of the other

Always in a power struggle-you’re the one

Who always takes the dive it’s become expected

Sometimes taking a dive is less painful than standing up

Figuring its better not to struggle

Learning to take that pain so easily

You don’t really want to stay…

But you don’t know how to let go

you had to push me

Push

Push push push keep fuckin pushin

Push me damn it were almost there

Push push push you’ve pushed me so far

Ahhh you’ve pushed me for so long

Pushed me so fucking hard I broke

You saw mw laying there

Broken and still you pushed

Push push push you keep fucking pushing

Push me dear we’re almost there

You’re pushin my life away pushin me closer

PUSHED the spirit right out of me

You never stop pushing never see the damage

Push push push you keep fucking pushing

Push me damn it cause were here

We reached the edge…I’m going over

 Too busy pushin me you didn’t feel me pulling

So die now as you push and I pull

Over the edge we’re going together….

Enjoy the fall

i'm laughing now

Laugh now die later

I’ll kill you all one by one

Until the job is done

I don’t know where to start

Your head or your heart

I’ll laugh as you try to scream

OH you wish this was a bad dream

You’ll suffer a slow painful death

Struggle to take that last breath

You think you’re great always on top

But I’ll be laughing when you drop

So much confusion in my brain

Laugh as I go insane

Time to share the pain….

i should have said never....

I should have said never

I should’ve known I’d be caught in the middle

I’ve tried my best no way out no alibis

I don’t understand what so great about long goodbyes

Ya well never said never

Cuz now we’re together

We’ll keep holding on till the end

One look in your eyes and I knew I decided

To never say never…never again

Gonna win one way or anther

It’s just a matter of time

Second time around I got it covered

I’m ready if you want to give me one more try

You never said never

I remember how we thought that love never ends

Through good times and bad times

It’s always a fine line

I’ll never say never…never again

So far so good you showed me

How love’s misunderstood

I’ll do whatever it takes

I’ve made some mistakes

But never again….

Never say never 

one more time? i gave you about 100 and still i wrote this for YOU please...

One more time …please

Lost and alone in this city of darkness

Empty of love and full of lies

You build a wall between

Your dreams and the madness

I reached out my hand

But you run and hide

I watched you cry in the rain

I want to bring back the joy again

Open your heart to mine

I believe…I believe this time you won’t be sorry

Not this time baby open your heart tonight

I believe you might be lucky this time

No guarantees when you risk your emotions

So you surrendered and it all went astray

Bitter and hopeless in your cold  isolation

But my love won’t ever fade away

I want to dry all your tears

You know there’s nothing to fear

When the shadows start to fall

Let my love break down the walls

my words and how little they mean to you...it seems no one gets it

Words

you'll never get it

you read my words

but they carry no meaning for you

to you there just letters on a page

not real thoughts and feelings

you cant see it it just confuses you

makes why wonder why i can't just stop it

it's not real for you just a piece of fiction

you'll never understand

what they mean to me i write them for myself no one else

trying to process this mess in my head

but again you'll never get it

so why waist time trying to convince you-

there so much more than words....

Don’t worry about it..

You don’t even care to read the words I write

To you it’s just nonsense

This is not nonsense this is my life...on paper

Waiting for someone to look and understand

I need help here I’m drowning

I could use a hand to help pull me out

I’m clinging to life not for me...for all of you

I don’t want to be here anymore

I don’t want this anymore

I can’t leave you all behind so...

What can I do take you all with me

I have thought about it…awful

What kind of person even has a thought like that

I just want out

But fuck it…it’s just nonsense on paper…right?

Let me say thank you And FUCK YOU

I guess I should thank you

for everything you put me through

I survived-no-I thrived

You were so sure I’d never leave

For so long I believed your lies

Took your intimidation

But you made two big mistakes

See I would never let a man physically hurt me

You crossed that line… never again

Second you dragged our children into the middle

Of our mess and you don’t mess with my kids

From there-there is no coming back

I will never forget the pain you caused us

Things are much better now that your gone

You’re lost to me simply the father of my children

I let you go do what you will

I’ll live my own life now

There’s so much more out there for me

I’ve got a lot of missed time to make up for

You’re a sad little man who never grew up

Ohh you put on a good show

But I know who you really are

So have a good time with your life-I’m finally free

Death for you is my pleasure

Death For YOU

I’m taking that knife

You stabbed in my back

And plunge it right through your heart

So I can see you bleed

Feel your blood upon my hands

Look into your eyes as the life drains from them

So the last face you see is mine

Then I will watch your lifeless body

Covered in blood that stains my hands

Just sit and look at your lifeless body enjoying my work

Take back all that you took from me

Getting satisfaction at the justice I served

Leaving your body among the garbage you are

Watch the reaper come to claim you dirty soul

To see you dragged down to the fires of hell

I will dream of the punishments they will deliver

How you will drown in rivers of blood

Choke on every rotten word you spoke

For all the pain you caused in life

Satisfied I was the one to put you there

Among the tortured souls where you belong

Where your pain will be endless…

As will be my happiness

some of my personal thoughts on death

Personal thoughts on death

Christine Hudson

Death is relentless in his pursuit for life.

When death is looking into your eyes...Don’t blink.

Life is unpredictable.. Death is certain.

When you can’t take it anymore

Death comes in the door and

Life sneaks out the window.

When life’s noose tightens

Death holds the rope.

When you fall in life death catches you.

When you turn your back on life…

You face death.

When life is worthless…

Death is priceless.

My biggest mistake is you

My mistake

I’ve made a lot of mistakes

But you…you were my biggest

From the beginning it was wrong

You cheated you lied but still I stayed

Always made me think I was wrong

Convincing me I needed you

Acting like you were the only one who understood me

I see now how full of shit you were

I always had doubts about us

I let you hurt me so many times

Gave you all the power

You made feel I was weak

Reminding how you saved me

Problem was I needed saving from you

You held me down

Keeping me under your thumb

Twisting who I was until I was lost

Conveniently you were always there to help find me

But it wasn’t me it was that you wanted

You just needed someone to cling to

I happened to be the stupid one for staying

You tore me down

Always pushing me to the edge

For a while I thought you were right

Didn’t think I could survive without you

Came to believe I wasn’t strong enough

But from you I learned a lot

You showed me how deceitful people can be

The way they will manipulate you for their gain

You put your fears on me

You were the one who couldn’t make alone

Cause since I left you behind

Things are getting better

I’m getting my life back

Taking back all you took from me

Making up for all those years wasted on you

So many times I tried to end it

But you always found a way to keep me there

Then one day you went too far crossed the line

 I realized that day it had to end

That there was nothing left

The only good thing that came from our union

Is my 4 beautiful children

In the end they are reason I stayed so long

So thanks for them

And fuck you for everything else 

losing touch with reality

Losing touch with reality

Guilt burns in my stomach

Anxiety racks my bones

Fear runs through my veins

Confusion chaos races in my brain

Fighting for control of myself

Sometimes it feels like too much

It encompasses me

Enveloping me completely

I can’t see the way out

Just keep telling myself

It can’t last forever

Just hold onto what’s real

But those lines begin to blur

I start to lose sight of “real”

I feel eyes watching me

The voices start screaming in my head

Vision of impending doom are unrelenting

It gets harder to think or to feel

It seems like it will never end

Frantic there’s nowhere to run to

I can’t escape it

Try to ride it out another battle within

Feels like it gets worse each time

Harder to come back from

It drags me down deeper

Wondering how much worse it’s going to get

The highs the lows

This crazy ride of which there’s no way off

All I can do is hang on

But these feelings and thoughts are burning

Inside me hurting making me sick

So weak feeling completely out of control

Just want to sleep till it ends

Trying to function normally

But I’m barely able to function at all

Looking around at everything

Adding to the misery

Feeling so dysfunctional

Trying not see to think or feel these things

Wishing for numbness

Sense’s over acting

Sensitivity covers me all over

Everything seems to hurt

So overwhelming sucks the life out of me

I want to check out

Step out of life for awhile

Let this storm pass

Watch from the side lines

Instead of being tossed around

Sanity feels like a distant memory

Pressure builds inside

Feels like a knife twisting in my gut

Choking on the crazy

Try to convince myself I’m in control

But there is no control

So discouraging I thought I got past all this

Then I fall hard again

It’s never going to end

Always heading for a crash

I will never be any more than this…

This will be the end of me

stuck in this place bound by your words

Bound

Sometimes your words make me

Feel like I’m not a person

Just a waste of space

You’ve no idea how hard I try

To be a functional part of society

But I can’t move forward

The fear of failure screwing up

Holds me here

The terror of interacting with people

Keeps me hidden

I don’t want them to see my stupidity

They’ll see it in me

I don’t deserve to be o.k. I hear it

In my head all the time

Its another chain keeping me bound

I struggle to break free

I see the people around and

It looks so easy for them to live

There are times when the chains loosen

Never enough

Just when I can start move

It tightens and I’m bound again

I see the disappointment in your eyes

Hear it in your voice

I am so scared of seeing it hearing it

I hide

Knowing I’ll always be the one flat on my face

Can’t even talk on the phone

I cringe every time it rings

I don’t know the right things to say

I’m bound trapped here

Scared sad paranoid confused delusional

Angry and alone

Dreaming one day

I’ll be stronger than I feel

To break free of the chains that bind…. 

how you let me fall

The fall

You let me fall

Breaking an already damaged soul

You watched me cry out in pain

You walked away

Left me bleeding on the ground

You tossed it away

The little trust I had left

Adding bricks to the already large walls

That surrounds me no way in no way out

You locked an already shut door

leaving me in the dark

When you did come back

I was already dead inside

So I let you help me up

I took your duplicative hand

Looked into you lying eyes

Too blind to see the truth

You’d just keep letting me bleed

Only to give me a transfusion

Keeping me dead alive

By your side

You slid your daggers

Right through my broken heart

Scarred it turning it to stone

I’m lost in this darkness

Drowning in haunting memories

The laughter left

The light burnt out…long ago

These empty eyes are yours
to remind you how you killed me inside