one more time? i gave you about 100 and still i wrote this for YOU please...

One more time …please

Lost and alone in this city of darkness

Empty of love and full of lies

You build a wall between

Your dreams and the madness

I reached out my hand

But you run and hide

I watched you cry in the rain

I want to bring back the joy again

Open your heart to mine

I believe…I believe this time you won’t be sorry

Not this time baby open your heart tonight

I believe you might be lucky this time

No guarantees when you risk your emotions

So you surrendered and it all went astray

Bitter and hopeless in your cold  isolation

But my love won’t ever fade away

I want to dry all your tears

You know there’s nothing to fear

When the shadows start to fall

Let my love break down the walls

my words and how little they mean to you...it seems no one gets it

Words

you'll never get it

you read my words

but they carry no meaning for you

to you there just letters on a page

not real thoughts and feelings

you cant see it it just confuses you

makes why wonder why i can't just stop it

it's not real for you just a piece of fiction

you'll never understand

what they mean to me i write them for myself no one else

trying to process this mess in my head

but again you'll never get it

so why waist time trying to convince you-

there so much more than words....

Don’t worry about it..

You don’t even care to read the words I write

To you it’s just nonsense

This is not nonsense this is my life...on paper

Waiting for someone to look and understand

I need help here I’m drowning

I could use a hand to help pull me out

I’m clinging to life not for me...for all of you

I don’t want to be here anymore

I don’t want this anymore

I can’t leave you all behind so...

What can I do take you all with me

I have thought about it…awful

What kind of person even has a thought like that

I just want out

But fuck it…it’s just nonsense on paper…right?

Let me say thank you And FUCK YOU

I guess I should thank you

for everything you put me through

I survived-no-I thrived

You were so sure I’d never leave

For so long I believed your lies

Took your intimidation

But you made two big mistakes

See I would never let a man physically hurt me

You crossed that line… never again

Second you dragged our children into the middle

Of our mess and you don’t mess with my kids

From there-there is no coming back

I will never forget the pain you caused us

Things are much better now that your gone

You’re lost to me simply the father of my children

I let you go do what you will

I’ll live my own life now

There’s so much more out there for me

I’ve got a lot of missed time to make up for

You’re a sad little man who never grew up

Ohh you put on a good show

But I know who you really are

So have a good time with your life-I’m finally free

Death for you is my pleasure

Death For YOU

I’m taking that knife

You stabbed in my back

And plunge it right through your heart

So I can see you bleed

Feel your blood upon my hands

Look into your eyes as the life drains from them

So the last face you see is mine

Then I will watch your lifeless body

Covered in blood that stains my hands

Just sit and look at your lifeless body enjoying my work

Take back all that you took from me

Getting satisfaction at the justice I served

Leaving your body among the garbage you are

Watch the reaper come to claim you dirty soul

To see you dragged down to the fires of hell

I will dream of the punishments they will deliver

How you will drown in rivers of blood

Choke on every rotten word you spoke

For all the pain you caused in life

Satisfied I was the one to put you there

Among the tortured souls where you belong

Where your pain will be endless…

As will be my happiness

some of my personal thoughts on death

Personal thoughts on death

Christine Hudson

Death is relentless in his pursuit for life.

When death is looking into your eyes...Don’t blink.

Life is unpredictable.. Death is certain.

When you can’t take it anymore

Death comes in the door and

Life sneaks out the window.

When life’s noose tightens

Death holds the rope.

When you fall in life death catches you.

When you turn your back on life…

You face death.

When life is worthless…

Death is priceless.

My biggest mistake is you

My mistake

I’ve made a lot of mistakes

But you…you were my biggest

From the beginning it was wrong

You cheated you lied but still I stayed

Always made me think I was wrong

Convincing me I needed you

Acting like you were the only one who understood me

I see now how full of shit you were

I always had doubts about us

I let you hurt me so many times

Gave you all the power

You made feel I was weak

Reminding how you saved me

Problem was I needed saving from you

You held me down

Keeping me under your thumb

Twisting who I was until I was lost

Conveniently you were always there to help find me

But it wasn’t me it was that you wanted

You just needed someone to cling to

I happened to be the stupid one for staying

You tore me down

Always pushing me to the edge

For a while I thought you were right

Didn’t think I could survive without you

Came to believe I wasn’t strong enough

But from you I learned a lot

You showed me how deceitful people can be

The way they will manipulate you for their gain

You put your fears on me

You were the one who couldn’t make alone

Cause since I left you behind

Things are getting better

I’m getting my life back

Taking back all you took from me

Making up for all those years wasted on you

So many times I tried to end it

But you always found a way to keep me there

Then one day you went too far crossed the line

 I realized that day it had to end

That there was nothing left

The only good thing that came from our union

Is my 4 beautiful children

In the end they are reason I stayed so long

So thanks for them

And fuck you for everything else 

losing touch with reality

Losing touch with reality

Guilt burns in my stomach

Anxiety racks my bones

Fear runs through my veins

Confusion chaos races in my brain

Fighting for control of myself

Sometimes it feels like too much

It encompasses me

Enveloping me completely

I can’t see the way out

Just keep telling myself

It can’t last forever

Just hold onto what’s real

But those lines begin to blur

I start to lose sight of “real”

I feel eyes watching me

The voices start screaming in my head

Vision of impending doom are unrelenting

It gets harder to think or to feel

It seems like it will never end

Frantic there’s nowhere to run to

I can’t escape it

Try to ride it out another battle within

Feels like it gets worse each time

Harder to come back from

It drags me down deeper

Wondering how much worse it’s going to get

The highs the lows

This crazy ride of which there’s no way off

All I can do is hang on

But these feelings and thoughts are burning

Inside me hurting making me sick

So weak feeling completely out of control

Just want to sleep till it ends

Trying to function normally

But I’m barely able to function at all

Looking around at everything

Adding to the misery

Feeling so dysfunctional

Trying not see to think or feel these things

Wishing for numbness

Sense’s over acting

Sensitivity covers me all over

Everything seems to hurt

So overwhelming sucks the life out of me

I want to check out

Step out of life for awhile

Let this storm pass

Watch from the side lines

Instead of being tossed around

Sanity feels like a distant memory

Pressure builds inside

Feels like a knife twisting in my gut

Choking on the crazy

Try to convince myself I’m in control

But there is no control

So discouraging I thought I got past all this

Then I fall hard again

It’s never going to end

Always heading for a crash

I will never be any more than this…

This will be the end of me

stuck in this place bound by your words

Bound

Sometimes your words make me

Feel like I’m not a person

Just a waste of space

You’ve no idea how hard I try

To be a functional part of society

But I can’t move forward

The fear of failure screwing up

Holds me here

The terror of interacting with people

Keeps me hidden

I don’t want them to see my stupidity

They’ll see it in me

I don’t deserve to be o.k. I hear it

In my head all the time

Its another chain keeping me bound

I struggle to break free

I see the people around and

It looks so easy for them to live

There are times when the chains loosen

Never enough

Just when I can start move

It tightens and I’m bound again

I see the disappointment in your eyes

Hear it in your voice

I am so scared of seeing it hearing it

I hide

Knowing I’ll always be the one flat on my face

Can’t even talk on the phone

I cringe every time it rings

I don’t know the right things to say

I’m bound trapped here

Scared sad paranoid confused delusional

Angry and alone

Dreaming one day

I’ll be stronger than I feel

To break free of the chains that bind…. 

how you let me fall

The fall

You let me fall

Breaking an already damaged soul

You watched me cry out in pain

You walked away

Left me bleeding on the ground

You tossed it away

The little trust I had left

Adding bricks to the already large walls

That surrounds me no way in no way out

You locked an already shut door

leaving me in the dark

When you did come back

I was already dead inside

So I let you help me up

I took your duplicative hand

Looked into you lying eyes

Too blind to see the truth

You’d just keep letting me bleed

Only to give me a transfusion

Keeping me dead alive

By your side

You slid your daggers

Right through my broken heart

Scarred it turning it to stone

I’m lost in this darkness

Drowning in haunting memories

The laughter left

The light burnt out…long ago

These empty eyes are yours
to remind you how you killed me inside

Use to be yours

Use to be

Use to be yours

Always there no matter how far or often you strayed

Use to listen to you talk

Always knowing your words were full of lies

Use to look into your eyes

Always wondering what you see

Use to smile at you

Always thinking why would he hurt me

Use to laugh with you

Always knowing I’d soon be crying

Use to talk to you

Always wondering how you were going to twist it

Use to hug you

Always pulling slightly away

Use to trust you

Always realizing I was stupid

Use to listen to you yell

Always to afraid to stand up

Use to be a stupid girl

Always hoping to get away

Use to be yours…

Always wishing I was mine

She is me

She is me

She could never be good enough…she would be enough

She could never get it right…she would be wrong

She could never be herself…she would be who she wanted

She could never know who she was…she would know it was her

She could never be equal…she would stop adding

She could never have it…she would see she never needed it

She could never find it…she would realize it was never lost

She could never be like them…she would not want be

She has come to see she is who she is faults and all

She comes full of mistakes and crazy  voices lots of scars but alot of love

She knows if you can’t accept her…you don’t deserve her

Glass houses

Glass houses

Don’t say a word or judge me

Until you have lived where I am

Feel what I feel

See what I see

Hear what I hear

Trapped in your own mind

You see my faults

Do see any good here

You throw your words like stones

Bruising and breaking me

For every wrong

You carry an arsenal

Please remember

About glass houses…

You live in one to

moments of insanity

Have You Ever

Have you ever wanted to take an ice pick

And stab it in your ear

Just to stop the screaming inside

And maybe the thoughts would stop

Pounding inside your brain

Ever lay curled up in bed

Holding your head begging it to stop…

It’s killing you

Ever been so angry or hurt

You want to cut and slash at yourself

To bleed it out all the anger pain

Ever seen the devil in your eyes

As he whispers softly in your ear

Calling you home

Ever lay in the dead of night

Praying for death to come

Sitting in the dark waiting

Ever realize in that dead of night

You’re not alone

In the dark their so clear easy to see

Their there with you

Ever contemplate what your souls worth

Broken bruised beyond repair

Ever wonder what the value of your life is….

that twisted urge to cut

things you'll never understand

I love the way it feels hate the way it makes you feel
when that cold blade slides across my warm skin
 it's like i can breathe i feel in control
 for a moment when the scars fade
 i'm not sure how to feel or what to do
 when the blood drips it's like opening a damn
 that holds all my emotions and i can release them
i try to stop it but when i'm hurting my mind out of control
this is a way of finding relief i know it's not a good thing
you don't understand but there's alot about me you can't understand
i don't have the words to explain
i feel so tightly wrapped inside
i have to maintain all these thoughts feelings everything
opening my skin is... like exhaling it's so hard
 left alone i'd be alot worse i push and push it down
 as long as i can but... then it shoves me back and it gets to be to much...

don't judge me
That first slice
cold metal on warm skin
blood release pain spilling
mind numbing

opened vein red river                                                              
close eyes just breathe
inhale...exhale relief
moment of silence
watch it drip...
know your still alive
blood flow tears fall
it feels so wrong but
so right

See you in hell

I'll meet you there

I'll see you in hell
don't know who will get there first
when your body's cover in dirt
you'll descend into the flames
where you true pain will begin
if I go before you realize I'll be waiting
for they are part of me I am one of them
as we surround that sad soul of yours
you'll look into my black eyes
silently begging for mercy
I remind you as it is above so it is below
you gave me no mercy in life
I will have none for you in death
we'll slice shred rip you a part
for eternity I will have my revenge
your pain will never end
mine ended the moment I said goodbye
you did me wrong
for this moment I have waited so long
if you get there before me they will prepare
the torture will start long before my arrival
the look the shock on your face
makes me smile as you realize
I'm not that savior you were hoping for
but your worst nightmare come to fruition
ohhh and I laugh at your suffering
so just remember I'll meet you there

For YOU ya you know who you are

                  For you Ya you

I give a smirk thinking of your fate
I wait patiently for your destiny to come to fruition
as I know what awaits your soul
I must be honest I have to laugh
what awaits you I crack a smile thinking
of that day your soul gets weighed
when before those fiery gates you stand
PLEASE think of me
were it up to me upon your head stone would read:
"here lies the body of a full grown male who never became a man
a full grown child who is now in a place where
he belongs with rivers of boiling blood
and justice is served through with fire
don't cry for him for in life what he caused
he must now live in death"
so I laugh as I pleasure myself on your grave
providing myself pleasure you never could
don't worry I'm sure you'll see me there one day
but I never claimed to innocent and have accepted my fate
on my head stone
"here lies a woman who knew her demons and her fate
that she'd end in front of hells gate"
so for now I just imagine you there

who i am

First nothing is more important or special  to me than my children. Many days they are the ones that make smile and laugh. 

That being said who am I well…I tend to lean to the crazy side drawn to the darker things in life and the universe. Not that I enjoy pain but I don’t hate it I use it as an escape which is a problem I use to have but now I use it for writing. I use writing for many things mostly get these fucked up things in my head out...some of the things i have written are from my teen years so a while ago...   To look at my book collection you would probably agree I lean towards crazy… it consists of books of the dead,  demons, demonology, witch craft, black arts, a dictionary of demon and one of angels including the fallen. I have a deep interest in the occult, numerology, mythology,  astrology, and zodiac signs…like I said crazy a bit. So as you can see I like to read 

What makes me …me well I won’t bore with my numerology but this touches on some of it…

I was born the year of the tiger. Tigers can be interpreted as selfish and stubborn which isn’t to far from the truth…but they can make great writers (just sayin) they like to go it alone and often feel things more intensely than others they can pounce without warning and their sensitivity can send friend or foe running for cover.

I am also a scorpio….reputed to be the most powerful sign they have intense personal relationships. Even as children they seem wise beyond their years. Many consisder  this  the oldest sign…old and wise beyond their years, scorpios often know the right answers. Sometimes too often they have trouble finding what they need to develop their own happiness. They love to walk to beat of anther drum, you can live with a scorpio for years and never really know them.their eyes often blaze with what words can never express often they wear a mask too often they say no when they mean yes…..their mind powers can make or break them…blah blah blah…I could go on but really.